Kate Lawler has revealed she came close to shaking her newborn daughter Noa as she bravely opened up on her battle with undiagnosed postnatal depression.
Big Brother star Kate, 41, welcomed her daughter Noa last year after previously revealing she didn’t want children.
Kate shares her daughter with her partner Martin ‘Boj’ Bojtos, 38, and has candidly documented her journey into motherhood.
Now, Kate is set to open up to fans evermore as the Virgin Radio DJ has penned her debut book, Maybe Baby.
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In the honest book, Kate has admitted she felt “emotionally drained” while trying to comfort her crying newborn daughter.
Ahead of the book’s release, Kate has told The Sun: “I remember rocking her, going: ‘Shush, shush.’
“But you’re just like: ‘Oh my god, please. What can I do?’
“The sound of a baby crying when you’re emotionally drained, when you haven’t slept and you already feel so depleted… you’re lacking energy and you’re hungry and you’re tired and your partner is sleeping next door and you’re thinking: ‘Oh my god, why am I doing this?'”
Kate previously recalled “dark times” during the first year after her daughter’s birth in February last year and shared her shock over her thoughts.
In a snippet of the book, seen by the publication, Kate wrote: “I remember rushing into the bedroom and literally screaming: ‘I can’t do this any more!’ and I put Noa down on the bed firmly, in a way that made me realize I was so close to shaking her, and I ran upstairs to our loft, so scared at what I’d nearly done.”
The incident then sparked Kate’s fiance Boj to urge her to seek professional help.
“I am grateful to Boj for being able to see the signs,” she said. “I was just not coping. When I had to put her down on the bed, Boj said: ‘I’ve never seen you that broken before. You were on the floor in the loft bedroom crying, saying: ‘I can’t do this any more.’ I don’t really remember it. And that’s when he said: ‘We’re getting help, because you’re so stubborn and think: ‘I can do this,’ but you can’t do it on your own.”
Kate has now said she feels it’s essential new mums are given support.
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She said: “In those moments with Noa where I’d been so desperate, so out of my mind, I can see why it’s so important that people have ways of asking for help.”
The TV star added: “With depression, you think: ‘I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings when I have so much to be happy about. I’ve got a roof over my head and I’ve got a family and a partner who loves me and I’ve got my dogs and a job, and I’ve got a baby who’s healthy.’
“You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery feeling so low that I wanted to kill myself. I thought: ‘I don’t want to be here any more. I’ve ruined my I’ve ruined Boj’s life.’ And I had never had that before. I started Googling suicide rates in new mums and it’s terrifying.”
If you have been affected by this story, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org
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